Category Archives: Emotional Intelligence

community associations, condo associations, Emotional Intelligence, HOAs, leadership, Management

Emotional Intelligence is the Where the Magic Happens

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I’ve worn a few different hats through the years, but for the most part my job has been to do one of two things – fix stuff or make stuff better. I do other work, of course. But those two have been at the heart of the work that really mattered most over the past decade or three.

I’ve partnered with and supported dozens, probably hundreds, of board members, managers, and other professionals who serve community associations (definitely hundreds, I suppose, if you count conference and workshop participants). There have certainly been times when a lack of technical knowledge contributed to the situations I’ve helped people to get through. But frequently, that’s been the easy part to fix. More times than not it was the human factor that was at the root of the toughest problems, to one degree or another. The biggest challenge can be the ability to see ourselves, our circumstances, and the people around us in context. Then we can figure out the best means, methods, and timing to apply all that technical knowledge. That’s what gets things done most effectively and keeps them going smoothly and sustainably.

For the most part, it’s not a lack of IQ that kills us, it’s a lack of EQ. Book smarts has its limits. Emotional intelligence is the difference maker.

You’ve known it when you’ve seen it, and you know when it’s was missing. You’ve been around others who are comfortable in their own skin and make connections, and you’ve suffered the company of those who aren’t and don’t. You’ve seen those who seemed to magically make it all come together and you’ve seen clueless bosses and board members steamroll their way into one debacle after another. One way or another, whenever we are living and working with other human beings, it is personal and group emotional intelligence that makes the difference between knowledge and wisdom, between success and failure, between achievement and frustration.

Jackson Pollock at work in his studio, photographed by Hans Namuth, 1950

We work with people we cannot control. Therefore, we need to deal with the human experience, like it or not. This means going deeper, learning the art of this work and embracing leadership. And the art of leadership requires a knowledge of the palette of emotional intelligence. It is this art that connects on a deeper level, engaging both heart and head, merging motivation with intellect.

John Eliopolo recently posted a great graphic on Linkedin.  It provides a thumbnail to wrap our brains around the components of emotional intelligence:

 

It starts off as an inside job – Learning yourself and figuring out how to impact others and manage yourself. It then looks outward – figuring out where others are coming from and adjusting your approach to make connections and get stuff done.

These are not fluffy “soft skills.” It takes work to master them. Research in the behavioral sciences has revealed the chemistry behind it and its organizational impact. It can be studied, measured, and grown. It helps young managers and new board members avoid burnout and find fulfillment in their work. And we had better start talking about it in our world if we are to begin converting some of the vicious cycles common to our experience into success cycles.

This is not to downplay the importance of competence in the nuts and bolts of the business. As Joe Wise, owner of Wise Property Solutions in Johnson City, Tennessee correctly states “EQ does not patch a deficiency in technical or professional knowledge.” But it’s time we went beyond technical proficiency and a focus on designations as a measure of professionalism. We will be judged neither by the knowledge we possess nor the letters after our names. We’ll be judged by what we get done and the impact we make. So let us start talking about how to add emotional intelligence to our artist’s palette and learn how to do the hard work that makes the magic happen.

For any who might be attending CAI’s 2018 National Conference , I invite you to join Joe Wise and I as we present on this subject on Thursday, May 10. Let’s get this conversation started!

Emotional Intelligence, leadership

Accept Me As I Am? Maybe. The Paradox of Human Imperfection

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“To thine own self be true.” – Polonius in Hamlet

I have no doubt that when it comes to core values and principles, Shakespeare had it right. I remember hearing Hyrum Smith defining pain as the distance between where we are and where we want to be. Certainly, stress results when there is a gap between our actions and attitudes and the principles we have adopted, sooner or later. A guilty conscience can be a silent killer.

At the very same time, we silly humans can be masters of rationalization. At its most extreme, we can want something so desperately we will convince ourselves the means justify the ends. Or decide that it must be right because it feels that way in the moment, even though down deep we know our choices will likely slap us in the face sometime in the future. We say, “That’s just the way I am” to excuse a hot-tempered response or a thoughtless act.

Can we do better? Should we try?

I’ve come to think about it as the Paradox of Human Perfection. Thinking through the lens of paradox can be a useful tool for both self-examination and leadership.

Here’s how the paradox goes: Since we are imperfect, it is unreasonable for anyone to expect better than our best at a given point in time. At the same time, imperfection means that our best can probably get at least a little better, edging the needle closer to perfection. Most people are more than happy to gleefully embrace the first part. “Hey, that’s the best I can do!” and leave it at that. Those who strive to embrace the second part are rarer.

Achievement, growth and satisfaction lie in the ability to (1) accept the whole paradox, and (2) strive to find a healthy balance between both sides of it.

YOU

Studies in emotional intelligence tell us that self-knowledge and self-regulation are learned skills. Taking an honest (brutal) self-inventory can help us to determine where our behaviors come from, and how well they match up to the person we believe we could and should be. If you find yourself excusing poor behavior with the first half of the paradox or finding you blame outside conditions, events, or other people when you are called on the carpet, it’s time to recognize you can do better. Push yourself to grab the second half of the paradox. It can be scary to hold yourself responsible, but the end result is much more rewarding.

On the other hand, the so-called “overachievers” of the world can spend inordinate energy beating themselves to death for perceived failures. They forget the first half of the paradox. If that’s your tendency, it can help to find a trusted colleague, friend or mentor to help you see things in context, remind you of your value and pull you back from the edge. You balance the paradox by allowing that you gave your best at a specific point in time and place. You will learn and do better the next time. You don’t have to thrash yourself.

YOUR PEOPLE

The paradox also comes into play when you lead others. Here is where the skill of empathy taught in studies of emotional intelligence come into play. It’s important to observe how your people deal with the paradox. If they tend to fall into the habit of glomming only the first half of the paradox, it may be time to push. Help them to see a vision of their potential and create a safe space for them to work towards it. This rules out the character attacks typical of poor leadership. Paint the picture of the future you can see for them and put them in the best position to see themselves in the picture.

Conversely, self-starters are already beating themselves up. Don’t push – they are likely fairly close to the edge of the roof already. Your job is to gently pull them back. Be the coach that reminds them of their value and appreciates their efforts. These folks tend to be your most effective team members. If you push them, they are out the door (or off the roof!).

So be true to yourself – your best self. Be true to your people – create that space for them to find and work towards their potential. Support and understanding can coexist with high standards. It takes hard work, vision, balance, and empathy to make it happen. And it’s a game changer!