Category Archives: Emotional Intelligence

Attitude, Best Practices, business life, community associations, Culture, Emotional Intelligence, HOAs, Professionalism

Civility in an Uncivil World

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by Chantu Chea CMCA, AMS

Over the past few years, some aspects of customary, socially correct behavior has seemed to regress or at times even disappear.  From leaders in the highest offices to our most beloved celebrities, we can read about name-calling, blaming, threats, and even outright violence.  Is it really surprising when these behaviors trickle into our communities and work spaces?  In order to guide our communities in a more positive direction, it helps to identify uncivil behavior and lead by example.  With a lot of deliberate, consistent effort, our positive behavior can become contagious.   

We’ve all dealt with the outburst from a client or Unit Owner who doesn’t get their way and writes a dramatic email or says something nasty.  It’s easy to dismiss them as unhinged, ignore all their future complaints and get defensive in these unpleasant situations. It’s important to be self-aware of these human tendencies, because it can lead to habits that will not serve you well.  If you hide from the tough conversations, you might miss out on the opportunity to connect with others, learn from the interactions and grow.  Even though it may trigger tough emotions to deal with the challenging client, confronting them can nip problems in the bud.  You may even gain an ally!  Start by making a conscious effort to put yourself in the strongest mental state so that you are best-equipped to deal with the inevitable challenges that arise.

  1. Self-Reflection: Be cognizant of how much media you’re taking in every day and the influence it might have on you.  The trend of constant media and social network notifications may work well for those who benefit from extra views or clicks, but excessive exposure might have an adverse impact on our thoughts, attention and behavior.  Sometimes we expend so much emotional energy reading the news that by the time we arrive at work, we’re depleted.  Disconnect from the breaking news long enough to focus on what’s most important, both personally and professionally.  How is the information you absorb moving you towards your goals and who you aspire to become? 
  2. Empathy: Depersonalize the situation whenever possible.  In more cases than not, the client isn’t yelling because of you but because of the situation.  Think about what they might be going through in their personal life with the challenges in the world and take a deep breath before responding.  You may be the only person who listens to them today.  If you can, counter their distress with a calming tone and a thoughtful response.  Will your undistracted attention for the next ten minutes save you hours over the next month? 
  3. Situational Awareness: Some of us have also noticed situations where someone makes a bold political statement to strangers or in the workplace, under the assumption that everyone agrees.  I’ve seen it make others in the room very uncomfortable or outright angry.  While it’s tempting to share your opinion about the latest piece of legislation in Congress, don’t forget to take note of your environment, your relationship to the listener and the possible repercussions.  For example, if you’re getting interviewed for a job, you may not want to risk blaming a person or administration for the current events of the day.  Even if the community is in a location where the demographics seem to point to a particular opinion, you don’t want to put your foot in your mouth later.  Once you learn about the political or ideological leanings of a person, just remember to keep it professional at work.

Keeping these habits in mind can help us deflect and appropriately respond to uncivil thoughts and behaviors.  Some other challenges that you may run into at work can be ameliorated by practical strategies.

  1. Write it down: Some people’s stress shows up as aggressiveness, while others’ stress manifests as anxiety.  Anxiety can cause us to start thinking selfishly or otherwise worry about possibilities that may never happen.  When others come to you with concerns or hypothetical situations, fight the inclination to dismiss them as unrealistic.  Instead, try brainstorming your concerns (or your residents’ concerns) and plan some possible solutions.  The anxiety becomes less of an abstract idea to obsess over and more of a concrete problem you can solve.  What are the pros and cons of each option?  What is the worst thing that can happen and how can you mitigate it? 
  2. Set Expectations: In a world where we can get instant groceries, dates and packages with the click of a button, some people expect the same instant gratification of their community manager.  Asking to “speak to the manager” has become an internet joke.  For managers, it can often translate to copying the entire Board of Directors to an email.  Unfortunately, some creative solutions require time to develop, especially if they are to last.  If a problem will take some time to resolve, let the resident know the challenges you are considering.  Provide an estimated time for completion or resolution and keep them in the loop of any progress. 
  3. Acknowledge opposing views: Things aren’t always black and white in community management.  Nor can we predict the future.  So it’s important to acknowledge counter-arguments even when they don’t fit the narrative we want to create.  If you make a mistake, predict something wrong, or there are possible negative consequences of your recommendation, talk openly about it.  How might you pivot your plans moving into the future? 

It can be instinctual to tune out anything that requires extra time or energy when it feels like you don’t have any to spare.  With everything going on in the world, our emotional state and the example we set may be the least of our worries.  However, as a leader of your community, you are in a position to be a calming and positive influence.  Small, deliberate interactions can accumulate and create real change. You may find that you not only save time in the long run, but you also get a little peace of mind!

Best Practices, Communications, community associations, Emotional Intelligence, Governance, leadership, Meeting Tips

Meeting Tips #3 – O Say Can You Hear?

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Community association boards do the bulk of their business at board meetings (or at least, they SHOULD). It can be tough for community members to observe the proceedings and resist the urge to chime in from the audience, especially on hot topics. This happens often with residents who do not understand that community associations are based on the representative democracy model. Yes, the board is ultimately responsible for picking the community center wallpaper…it’s not a community vote…

Wise boards do everything they can to avoid operating in a vacuum. They know they are responsible for making decisions that benefit the membership as a whole. They also learn that group leadership is a messy business. The odds are less than great that everyone will be happy with every decision. Convincing a vocal minority that they have been heard can be tough.

Meetings are an opportunity to build community through listening. Sometimes the format of board meetings can create unintentional landmines in this regard. Here are a few ways to flip the script and make opportunity.

Owner Comment Period

Many state statutes require a period of time be set aside for owners to ask questions and make comments. Even if it might not be required in your location, it’s a terrific provision. There are a few nuances to how a board administrates the comment period that will take full advantage of listening opportunities.

  • Timing: Some communities choose to have a comment period on the agenda before action items to allow for input. Others find that most of the comments and questions are on topics unrelated to the action items and find it more beneficial to put comment periods later in the agenda. I had one client that found it most effective to have two short open forums: the first for input before the board discussed action items, and the second one after, to allow members to bring up items unrelated to action items.

The key is to thoughtfully consider how members can best contribute to the discussion and be heard. Remember – you never know where the next great idea might come from! Be ready to hear it.

  • Following up: A typical refrain from some community association members is that things are discussed at meetings but nothing ever happens. Sometimes the culprit is how the owner comment period is conducted. Some matters are simple management issues that can be addressed on the spot. However, boards are wise not to make decisions on new issues brought up in open forum when they are unprepared. Some boards use the stock phrase, “We will take that under advisement,” but they don’t actually have a system to close the loop. Here are a few tips to help boards listen, which will also give their community members the confidence they actually are:

  1. Take notes while the member is talking to capture the main points.
  2. Ask questions for clarification as needed,
  3. Restate. A great phrase I’ve used is, “So I think I heard…”
  4. Embrace passion. If an owner is upset, they care. There’s energy there. Perhaps there’s an ad hoc committee lurking, just waiting to be formed, that will help the board turn a problem into a solution.
  5. If a matter is worth discussion, add it to new business in the meeting agenda.
  6. Make it clear if a matter is delegated to management, a committee, or a board member.  Who has the ball?
  7. If a matter would require an unbudgeted expense, you can indicate that it might be included in next year’s budget discussion and direct that it be added to the budget file. Just make sure it’s included in the first draft, (a.k.a. “the kitchen sink version” – for more on that concept, CLICK HERE) of the budget, no matter how wacky the idea might seem.
  8. Make sure the manager or another party is responsible for producing a meeting task list. The list should include not only the follow-up items from motions, but also all the little details noted above that would get lost otherwise.

Hint: If owners are using valuable meeting time to bring up day-to-day management issues, it may be a sign your processes are not clear. Asking a member if they have reported the matter to management is an appropriate response. If they have, but believe the response was inadequate, you can let them know you appreciate the report and will help to connect the dots between the owner and management. If they have not, it’s a golden opportunity. Listen to the report, then let them know management will take care of it. Then remind them that in the future, they need not wait for board meetings to make requests. That message reinforces the association’s service procedures and helps all participants understand the best way to be heard in such matters.

Recognition

Don’t forget to thank volunteers and managers for their efforts. Thank members for their comments. Recognize good questions. If a member discussed a problem, show empathy for the member even if they were a part of the problem. Practicing recognition promotes active listening and demonstrates the emotional intelligence that helps members know they have been heard.

Hot Topics

Some disagree with me, but I’ve always recommended that those chairing meetings open the floor for specific comments on particularly contentious issues to allow members to express themselves. This uncommon action of adding impromptu comment periods proves the board is serious about member input. You can still set a time limit to keep things going. You can also request that if someone else had already made a point a member wishes to make, that they make a simple statement of agreement and do not make repetitive points.

Is This the Right Meeting?

Board meetings are designed to conduct business. If the member comment period is taking over the meeting, the community is telling you something. You have bigger issues to address. When board meetings become free-for-alls, it has become a de facto “town hall” meeting. It also may be telling you the community is deep in the weeds and needs to take a step back and do some serious planning. Board meetings are great for doing the basic business of the community. But they are lousy for town hall meetings and for strategic planning.

Town hall meetings are great for either collecting or disseminating information. No business is done, just communication. It amazes me that most community associations never have a yearly planning session soon after annual meetings to discuss the goals for the upcoming board year. If the community needs to hire an outside facilitator to help plan and conduct town hall or strategic planning meetings, it can be well worth the investment.

Carpe Momentum

Meetings are opportunities to lead, to connect, and to build community. Listening is at the heart of all three. Why not seize the moment?

change management, community associations, condo associations, Cooperatives, Emotional Intelligence, HOAs, leadership, Management

Let the Data Drive the Discussion

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Change is hard.  New is hard.  Fear makes bad news hard to take.  Is it any wonder that from time to time community association managers, advisors and volunteer leaders find themselves at odds with community members or each other?  Sooner or later, they all will find themselves duty bound to share a message someone won’t want to hear.

Money Hurts

This happens a lot when money is involved.  People hate to spend money especially when they cannot see the value of the expense.  Here’s where community associations remind members of the government, either consciously or subconsciously.  I recall hearing a quote from the Wall Street Journal along the lines of, “People have the same warm emotional connection to their homeowners association as they do the Internal Revenue Service.”  Ouch!

Drill down a little and it makes sense.  Citizens expect infrastructure and services, but they may chafe at paying the taxes that make them possible.  Why?  In a word, trust.  Governments, with their inevitable bureaucracies, have complicated, enormous budgets that the average citizen cannot comprehend.  This makes it difficult, if not impossible, to tell how well utilized those taxes are.  The end result?  Distrust and an assumption of waste…or worse.  Association Fees are a community association’s tax.  If members are not clear that their money is being spent wisely, it’s tough to take.  Members may well default to their assumptions of waste…or worse.

See The Enemy

If you are going to ask for higher fees, spend a wad of cash, or change anything people are familiar with, you need to be ready to explain why.  You may need to combat distrust.  Fortunately, this is much easier to accomplish on the micro level of a community association than is it for the Federal Government!  The information might be somewhat complicated, but it can be available and explainable.

If the direction is sound, it’s based on sound data.  But members may not be aware of the data they need to trust the messenger.  And until the messenger is trusted, the message is lost.

There are two insidious enemies that can erode the trust of your members:

  1. The Law of Omitted Data: The concept is that if a person has some knowledge about a subject but does not have all the facts, it is likely that person’s degree of misunderstanding will grow exponentially over time.  The impact of the law can be devastating in the group dynamic, especially when the Telephone Game factor gets added to the mix.  I’ve seen this blow communities apart.
  1. Theoryworld: The absence of experience or real life information doesn’t stop people from trying to be experts. We imagine scenarios and responses and all kinds of possible permutations and combinations of things that might happen.  Discussion and arguments in Theoryworld last for-EV-er!  They have an annoying tendency to bear little resemblance to reality and waste valuable time and energy.  Theoryworld is exhausting and leads to regrettable decisions.

When data is bad or missing, misinformed opinions and fear can set in and emotions can run high.  It gets personal.  People mistakenly see each other as the enemy.  The real enemies, the Law of Omitted Data and Theoryworld, are hiding just under the surface.

How can you vanquish these enemies?  How can you fill in the blanks and bridge the gap between theory and reality?  How can your group make good decisions and actually get things done?

Fight the Real Enemies

Your first reaction to manifestations of the Law of Omitted Data or Theoryworld may be to correct or defend.  Don’t.  That adds fuel to the ego-driven fire, even if you are 100% right.  Rather than counteracting bad data, seek to fill in the gaps of understanding with good data.  Your goal isn’t to win an argument.  Ego is a major part of the problem.  Elevate the dialogue from ego-based to principle-based– from emotional opinion-based to fact-based.  In so doing, you create a space in which the data can drive the discussion.

The presentation of the data requires more than logic.  It means acknowledging ego and emotion, both yours and others’.  This is another real life scenario where gobs of emotional intelligence will make a massive difference.   Here are a few strategies to get there:

  • Find trustable outside experts. A message from a disinterested third-party can have an impact.  Share their information or let them do the talking.
  • Show and tell. A picture really does paint a thousand words.  And seeing it up close and personal makes things real.  Cruddy pipes, scary boiler rooms, a mudslide behind the pool.  You don’t have to sell it.  Just allow people to see reality.
  • Show your work like doing arithmetic in the third grade. Even if the level of detail seems excessive, the fact that the research was done and you are willing to show your process can build bridges and confidence.
  • Conversely, make it clear the presentation of detailed data isn’t a snow job. Bullet point summaries, charts and graphs– anything that aids visualization is good.  The supporting materials can be in the back.
  • Accept all options and ideas at first, even if every bone in your body tells you they never work. Instead of saying “no” up front, let the group decision making process say “no.”
  • Try to use more questions than declarative statements

Hail Victory!

Don’t worry about making a case.  Create a space where the case makes itself.  Trust the process.  Be patient – time will tell the truth.  Let the data drive the discussion.

What strategies have you used to defeat the Law of Omitted Data and Theoryworld?

Attitude, Best Practices, business life, Emotional Intelligence, leadership

Outer Space

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It ain’t about you.  How many times have we heard that?  And yet, we silly old humans forget.  It’s understandable.  Things go wrong, we feel before we think (a biological fact), and we react.  Those reactions are egocentric.  The chemicals jetting through our bodies are some powerful stuff!  Managing this process so that our outward manifestations take into consideration that we are not the center of the universe requires practice, self-awareness, and perhaps a ton of self-control.  Mastering ourselves can be a huge factor in job satisfaction, not to mention peace of mind.

Me, Me, Me – Oops!

The word “context” keeps popping into my head.   When our context is insular, it’s flawed. We miss things.  We make mistakes.  We hurt others.  We create drama.  There are serious consequences when we fail to recognize others’ experiences, ideas and cultures.

I recall my reaction once in dealing with a particularly egocentric community association member.  After trying to appeal to reason in every way I could imagine, I gave up.  I changed gears and said, “The thing is, there’s only one sun in the solar system for a reason.  If a person tried to be the center of the system, all the gravitational fields would get messed up and the planets might crash. It just wouldn’t work!”  It was so random she actually had to stop and think about it.  I’m not so sure I would recommend such a facetious approach as one of the “magic beans” of communication, but it actually worked.  At least I didn’t get fired.

Finding Context

One antidote?  Slow down.  See the context of things, events, people and the complicated intersections in between.  Perhaps most importantly, find the underlying principles that can apply to the situation.  If we want help to create solutions and have a ghost of a chance for happiness and peace, we have GOT to get outside of ourselves.  The chart of the universe shown above makes us laugh.  But unless we see ourselves, our experience and our attitudes in the context of the larger world, the chart is accurate to one degree or another.

“Sometimes you have to give yourself away to get yourself back.” – tw

Yes, the prospect can evoke fear.  The impulse to react from our own standpoint is a form of self-defense.  The willingness to release self-interest for a moment might make us feel vulnerable.  I also see some irony here.  The tighter we hold onto a myopic perspective in order to protect ourselves, the more we put ourselves at risk to our detriment. We are less likely to be effective in working with others, less likely to adjust our course to work with changing circumstances, and less likely to find a deeper satisfaction in work and in life. It is vital to develop and grow emotional intelligence.

As you see yourself and your circumstances more clearly in the greater context of what and who are around you, things start to click.  And you grow.  I love the way the late Jim Valvano put it, “A person doesn’t become whole until he becomes part of something bigger than himself.”

Best Practices, business life, Culture, Emotional Intelligence, Human Resources, leadership

Oops

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What happens when the fecal matter makes impact with the circular air-moving device? How individuals and organizations react in this moment of truth will say a lot about individual and group emotional intelligence and the culture of the organization. The secret lies in the questions asked when a mistake is made and the order in which they are asked.

What Are You Really Made Of?

Here’s how effective people and healthy organizations approach every mistake:

1. WHAT? Exactly what happened? Do we have all the facts? Only when this is clear, go to question #2.

2. HOW? How did the error happen? Have we identified the root cause, differentiating them from the symptoms? After diagnosing the mechanics of the issue, it’s time for question #3.

3. WHY? Was this a system issue, a performance issue, or a combination of the two? Do NOT shortcut this step with assumptions. Now finally…

4. WHO? Time to talk about the lessons learned – a constructive follow-up with whoever may have been involved (INCLUDING BOSSES!). Now we are all a little smarter.

Post mortem, the healthy organization will make adjustments to address root causes. It will improve systems. And it will take opportunities to learn from mistakes. Look for patterns. If all the other questions are addressed and the same “who” keeps popping up, only then is a tough personnel action warranted.

Is that what you and your organization do? Or…

The Flip Side

Guess what question unhealthy organizations and ineffective leaders ask first? ”WHO DID THAT?” Sadly, every single time I’ve shared this concept, the people in the room give me the answer before I have to say it. They’ve all seen it at some point. The problem is that starting with “Who?” makes it difficult, if not impossible, to accurately answer any of the other more crucial questions.

Why?  Because Bang & Blame is a horrid leadership model.  In a culture where blame is the rule, people will rarely stick their necks out to do more than absolutely necessary.  It’s just not worth the risk.  Their defensive mindset kills any hope for excellent performance.  They are unlikely to be forthcoming when things go wrong.  And that applies to those who choose to stay, because Bang & Blame pushes self-starters out the door.

Give Up Perfection To Get Closer To It

I know that might sound ridiculous, but it’s true. Everyone will err from time to time. In the human condition, all mistakes are opportunities to learn. There’s a classic business tome about an IBM exec from the sixties whose ill-fated decision cost the company dearly. Upon being summoned to CEO Thomas Watson’s office, he prepared for the inevitable firing. Watson reportedly asked, “Do you know why I’ve asked you here?”

The executive replied, “I assume I’m here so you can fire me.”

“Fire you?” Watson replied, “Of course not. I just spent $10 million educating you.”

There are two choices. You can hold everyone to an unrealistic standard, punish imperfection, drive people into butt-covering cocoons, encourage bare minimum performance and build a culture that will aspire to mediocrity at best. Or you can embrace mistakes as opportunities for learning and find that error rate actually decreases as you build a culture of empowerment, personal responsibility, trust and growth. Only one of these is a sustainable model for profit and customer service success.

Attitude, business life, Emotional Intelligence, Management

The Party’s Over- Now What? Maintaining Perspective & Balance in the Wake of a Terminated Business Relationship

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Whether you are an employee of a management company, an onsite manager of a community association, or a professional service provider, odds are at some time in your career you will be involved in a business relationship that for one reason or another reaches the end of its useful life. You shake hands, wish each other well, and move on. But in reality, doing business is a human endeavor and damage can be done if you don’t recognize and address the mental and emotional toll that can sometimes linger from a business “break-up.” You can be technically proficient in handling transitions without always giving full consideration of the human factors that might be involved.

Over the years it has pained me to watch managers, in particular, come away scarred from difficult client or employment relationships. Those who throw themselves into their work are hit hardest. Despite what they may view as Herculean efforts in less-than-favorable circumstances, they come away feeling unappreciated and often abused. Professional detachment to the point of uncaring, over-defensiveness, diminished standards of performance or conduct, and profound cynicism are only a few of the telltale signs of unhealthy scarring.

I’ve been so fortunate to have had the opportunity to reflect on these things with people of uncommon wisdom. They have shared with me pearls that have proven valuable in professional and personal life. I care about all you dedicated professionals working in the community association field. I want you to be healthy and happy. So then, since sharing is caring…

Lesson #1: Learn

“When the Devil says fire is hot, he knows what he is talking about.” Credit for this one goes to my primary professional mentor, Arthur Dubin. He shared this with me some years ago while we were working with a particularly unreasonable board president. Though I have to state for the record that the statement assumes certain theological concepts that I personally believe to be rather spurious, the words create a picture that makes an important point: While being deluged by unfair and possibly irrational attacks, it is very easy to miss a salient and accurate critique. You may feel compelled to defend yourself as if you were perfect or minimize shortcomings in the face of intense scrutiny. It might seem like your client or employer expected you to be perfect. Well, you weren’t. And that’s OK, but even minor issues, if not identified and corrected quickly, can become major issues. As painful as it might be to admit mistakes, it’s way more painful to repeat them. If a criticism is true, it is true regardless of the identifying source. The challenge is hearing it. So, be brutally honest…could you have done anything better?

Lesson #2: Eyes Forward

It turns out being a lousy driver was one of the best things that ever happened to me…. “Glance in rear-view mirror anytime you apply the brakes.” I got that one in a driver improvement class many moons ago. The lesson literally saved the instructor’s life one day on the beltway. He glanced in the mirror as traffic slowed and noticed that the truck driver behind him wasn’t paying attention. He took corrective action, changed lanes, and avoided the deadly rear end collision that befell the driver that had just moments before been in front of him. When things stop in front of you, like the end of a business relationship, it pays to look behind just long enough to learn the lessons necessary to avoid getting rear ended (Lesson #1)— and then it‘s got to be eyes forward. You are smarter now. Focus on what’s in front of you. Take action to get where you need to go. It doesn’t pay to beat yourself up over the past. If you keep staring into the rear view mirror, you’ll wreck. Once Lesson #1 is done, move on.

Lesson #3: It’s Your House

This one is courtesy of the late “Uncle Mike” Gilmore. He had a well-earned reputation as one who had seen it all in this business. He was a great sounding board. One afternoon he let me whine on for several minutes about a situation. And then…

“Tommy, what’s the most valuable real estate you own?”

“I guess it’s my house.”

“Wrong. It’s here (points to his head). Let’s say you owned a house and decided to rent it out. Would you let just anybody move in?”

“Of course not. I’d qualify them to make sure they’d pay the rent and wouldn’t trash the place.”

“Right. So if you’d go through all that for a house, why would you do the same with the most valuable real estate you own? Never let negative people rent space in your mind.”

Whoa. Of course he was right. Even if you successfully apply lessons one and two and have done everything you should do, sometimes those negative comments might play back in your memory. A new comment might trigger an old memory. There is no benefit to dwelling on them. You can’t control others, you can only control yourself. Why give up any of that control by allowing others’ negativity to reside in your head? Lock the door.

“Never let negative people rent space in your mind” – Mike Gilmore

It’s not easy to maintain a dedication to excellence in a balanced, healthy way. But you have to. It is the best way to be good to our clients and good to ourselves at the same time. Imagine that—a win-win.

If things don’t work out sometimes, it’s OK to hurt. Just not too long. It sounds trite, but it’s true – every experience can make you better and stronger. Please don’t burn out. And please don’t sell out. We need you.

Communications, community associations, condo associations, Cooperatives, Customer Service, Emotional Intelligence, HOAs, Magic Beans

So You Think You Are a Good Listener and Other Delusions

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In his outstanding book The Excellence Dividend, Tom Peters states that listening is, among other things, “the heart and soul of engagement and thoughtfulness,” “the basis for collaboration and partnership and community,” “the linchpin of memorable service” and “the bedrock that underpins a commitment to EXCELLENCE.”

We know listening is important. Yet, studies show that we are not as good at it as we think we are. Fortunately, it is a learnable skill. It is an area in which we can always improve. There are lots of resources available to help us focus on the art of “active listening.” Strategies include:

  • Pay Attention: Use your eyes along with your ears. Look at someone intently enough long enough to determine eye color. What do their body language and facial expressions tell you? What are they NOT saying?
  • Acknowledge: People with problems typically want two things in this order: (1) To be heard (2) To get a solution. Until someone is confident you hear them, you have zero basis for dialogue. Give them all the cues you can to show you are engaged. Open your stance, nod, smile. Use verbal cues like my favorite, “Oh wow!” Let ‘em talk. Empathize.
  • Clarify: Ask questions. Then ask more questions. Get the whole picture. Repeat statements back and summarize. I am partial to the phrase “I think what I heard was…” This gives the other person permission to correct you if your understanding requires adjustment.
  • Ignore Your Biases: We are all biased. We all make assumptions. We all listen through the filters of our experience. You might think you are completely objective, but you’re not. Nobody is. Recognize your biases and assumptions and do your best to get past them.
  • Suspend Judgment: It’s easy to impute motives, especially if you have a history with someone. But even if you are correct, there is no value in thinking about them. Acknowledging others’ emotions does not mean judging the validity or even the appropriateness of those emotions. Do your best to focus on facts.
  • Take Notes: Careful note taking keeps you tuned in. It dignifies the other person. It’s a great tool for the open forum part of Board meetings.

Why Are We Lousy Listeners?

You might think you are a good listener. More than likely you are deluded. Even if you ARE right, you’ll still need to work on it. There are many obstacles to being a good listener. Be aware of them and work to overcome them.

  • Did I mention we are all biased and make assumptions? Imperfect humans are subjective by nature.
  • We focus on us, not the other person. Instead of fully listening, we are formulating our brilliant response, thinking about how wrong or annoying the other person is, or feeling rushed or stressed.
  • We may be “18 second interrupters”.  Peters cites research that indicates an average doctor will interrupt the patient presenting her symptoms after 18 seconds. The habit is not unique to doctors. Yikes.
  • Distractions…Oooo look – a squirrel!
  • Electronics: A disproportionate number of the problems people have asked me to fix in recent years originated with electronic communication issues. Some conversations need to be offline. Listening with only your eyes has its limitations. If a conversation starts to go sideways, pick up the phone. Or better, go face to face. If you’ve grown up communicating mostly through an electronic device, you’ll need to learn to use the full range of human abilities to be a good listener.
  • The big one… missing the bigger picture. Employing active listening strategies does not guarantee success.

It’s More Than Listening

Listening is part of something bigger. You can employ all the active listening strategies and still be ineffective. Your IQ can help you to learn the techniques, but your EQ, or emotional intelligence, will be the key to being a good listener and effective communicator.

If you are not genuinely interested in other people, in solving problems, and in making a difference, you are likely not listening well and people can smell it. It really does start with you. And people don’t always make it easy! I’ve often thought that a key to success is the ability to be respectful of others when their attitudes, words or actions are not what we would classify as respectable. Just remember, being empathetic with others doesn’t mean you have to agree with them. It does mean you have to listen hard enough to imagine what it might be like to be in their shoes. That can require a very high level of emotional intelligence.

Final Words

“The best way to persuade someone is with your ears, by listening to them.” – Dean Rusk

More gems from The Excellence Dividend – some of the “Good Listener Rules.”  (Buy the book. Seriously.):
• A good listener does not EVER take a call, even from her or his boss.
• A good listener takes EXTENSIVE notes.
• A good listener CALLS (better than e-mails d%#n it) a couple of hours later to thank the other for his or her time.
• A good listener the next day with a couple of follow-up queries.
• A good listener does NOT pontificate!

“Never miss a good chance to shut up.” – Will Rogers

Communications, Emotional Intelligence, Magic Beans, Management

Magic Beans #2 – No Buts About It

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This installment of the Magic Beans series focuses on one little word choice in one-on-one communication that can make a big difference.

THINK ABOUT IT

How many times do you use the word “but”? Take a count for a week. You might be surprised.

“But” marks a transition of thought. You might use it when you think something is dreadfully wrong… “But you are missing the point!!” Perhaps more often, you may tend to strategize your way into a “but” to offer an alternative position. You might even start with a palatable point of agreement with all good intentions. You know your counterpart disagrees with your position at the moment. You are trying to find common ground in the hopes they will be able to hear what you plan to say next. Then you transition with something like: “But I think…”, “But what about…”, or the ever so artful “But I wonder if…”

So here’s another exercise for you. For the next week, listen for every time someone else uses the word “but.” Pay attention to your immediate reaction. Unless there is a high level of trust in the relationship and in the moment, you will probably notice some level of negative emotion. This is where word choice counts.

THE GREAT ERASER – DEFLECTOR SHIELDS ON!

The problem with “but” is that it has the power to be the Great Eraser. It can effectively wipe out everything that was stated before it. Think about you how felt when you heard it while in a vulnerable place. Maybe it was during one of those dreadful annual performance reviews (which, by the way, I suggest we abandon). The reviewer just said 3 or 4 nice things about you, dutifully following the “3 Cs of Counselling” (comment – correct – commend). And then….wait for it…. “But there is some room for improvement…” Your defenses go up. You might start to think you just got played. You begin to formulate your counter argument.

The bottom line for any conversation – you might not be able to truly hear anything that’s said after you hear the Great Eraser.

What if you are wrong, or the truth is somewhere in the middle? What if you could have benefitted from the point made?

So what can you do when you are on the other side of things?

CHANGE THE GAME

Last exercise – anytime you feel the urge you use the word “but,” substitute “and”. Perhaps something like:
“…and I also noticed…”
“…and it makes me wonder if…”
“…and as I thought about …”

PLAN B

There are some circumstances where “and” might feel disingenuous or out of place. In those cases, see if you need a transition at all. If that sounds too abrupt, perhaps a softer phrase such as “on the other hand” could be employed. Be aware of your audience and the circumstance, and use your best judgment. Just remember that it doesn’t matter what you say, only what was heard.

WHY?

  • Your listener’s deflector shields might just stay down long enough to hear the message
  • You avoid the (hopefully) unintended message that you devalue the listener or their opinion/position
  • It changes the way you think and communicate, opening up dialogue that might just lead you to adjust your thinking – it could lead to asking more questions that will benefit both parties
  • It helps to avoid a perception of judgment and creates space for collaboration
  • It takes away a fence and builds a bridge

If you are like me, you’ll find the “but” habit hard to break, and easy to slide back into. It will take some self-awareness and thoughtful planning. If you’d prefer to play the ego game and prove yourself right all the time, it’s OK. Go ahead and stick with “but.” If you’d rather get things done and work effectively with others, take the “buts” out of it.*

*See what I did there? Plan B. I suppose I could have started with “On the other hand,…”

change management, community associations, condo associations, Cooperatives, Emotional Intelligence, HOAs, leadership, Management

CONTEXT!

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I’ve noticed the word keeps popping into my head more and more. Frequently, my job is to fix stuff. I walk into a lot of situations where people aren’t on the same page or worse. I try to dissect all the factors, and it seems more often than not, lack of context is at the root of the problem in one way or another. As soon as I have all the pieces and can see how they fit together, the rest is easy. Context issues can rear their ugly heads in all kinds of scenarios.

GROUP DYNAMICS

Ever been in Board meetings where certain agenda items go on forever? I remember one client who debated the merits of adding a walkway to a portion of their community for months. It wasn’t budgeted, but it could have improved safety. It could have benefitted many residents, but in theory it might have created a nuisance for those who lived close to the proposed walkway. Discussion and debate started in the weeds and got deeper as time went on. Emotions ran high. In the end, the idea was squashed and the process left a bad taste in everyone’s mouth. The Board is hoping nobody brings it up again. Lack of context ran amok.

If your group is considering a new idea, or a recurring one that never seems to get settled, listen very closely. You may well find that there is a bi-level dialogue going on. The overt conversation is on the merits of the idea in play. But sometimes the reason the subject takes forever to flesh out is because people are struggling to figure out if the thing is really important, timely, or how it fits in to a bigger picture. That subtext can be a sign the group lacks clarity on shared values and vision. If that’s the case, context can be gained by taking the time to achieve consensus on those deeper points. (No, not at a Board meeting – it’s a separate exercise .) With the underpinnings of values and vision in place, things go a lot smoother and quicker.

CHANGING THE MESSAGE

Context also comes up in day to day conflicts. Association members may chafe in matters of covenants enforcement. It’s understandable. After all, who likes to be told they are in the wrong, or feel controlled? All too often, when the nastygram from Big Brother arrives in the mailbox, the missing link is context. Unless the reason for a community standard is understood, that standard, whether enumerated in CC&Rs, rules, policies or procedures, feels irrelevant and maybe even arbitrary. Context can sometimes be achieved by taking the time to explain the reason for the standard, and why those standards benefit everyone in the long run, ESPECIALLY the individual. I’ll never forget my boss telling me that an owner from a former client had called him to complain about a manager who had followed me at my last on-site management job. When he mentioned her name, I had an immediate emotional and physical reaction – I thought she hated my guts. But her comment provided a golden lesson: “I didn’t always agree with Tom, but he always told us what he was going to do in advance, and we always knew why he was doing what he was doing.” Changing the message can help to establish the context.

ASSUME NOTHING

Sometimes confusion and conflict are the result of missing data. It’s really easy to jump to conclusions and muck up the works. I get reminded of that when I get a call or text from one of my favorite managers, who reaches out for assistance on thorny issues from time to time. I listen to a scenario, offer some potential solutions only to hear ,“I don’t think that will work, because (followed by a new factor not previously revealed).” Note to self…slow down, gather all facts, get full context. I think part of the challenge may be that we are encouraged to think quickly and get to the bottom line as fast as possible. But we aren’t necessarily thinking deeply. In the end, conflicts and confusion can get worse, not better, and we accidentally (and ironically) take more time to resolve matters by tying to save time by being fast. One strategy to get full context is to assume nothing and keep asking questions until the root of a matter is clear. Once the context is understood, then move toward potential solutions.

So, the next time you find yourself feeling conflicted and confused, make sure you see the full context of whatever you are dealing with. In the end, it will save you and the people around you time and heartburn. And you might just get something done!

community associations, condo associations, Emotional Intelligence, HOAs, leadership, Management

Emotional Intelligence is the Where the Magic Happens

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I’ve worn a few different hats through the years, but for the most part my job has been to do one of two things – fix stuff or make stuff better. I do other work, of course. But those two have been at the heart of the work that really mattered most over the past decade or three.

I’ve partnered with and supported dozens, probably hundreds, of board members, managers, and other professionals who serve community associations (definitely hundreds, I suppose, if you count conference and workshop participants). There have certainly been times when a lack of technical knowledge contributed to the situations I’ve helped people to get through. But frequently, that’s been the easy part to fix. More times than not it was the human factor that was at the root of the toughest problems, to one degree or another. The biggest challenge can be the ability to see ourselves, our circumstances, and the people around us in context. Then we can figure out the best means, methods, and timing to apply all that technical knowledge. That’s what gets things done most effectively and keeps them going smoothly and sustainably.

For the most part, it’s not a lack of IQ that kills us, it’s a lack of EQ. Book smarts has its limits. Emotional intelligence is the difference maker.

You’ve known it when you’ve seen it, and you know when it’s was missing. You’ve been around others who are comfortable in their own skin and make connections, and you’ve suffered the company of those who aren’t and don’t. You’ve seen those who seemed to magically make it all come together and you’ve seen clueless bosses and board members steamroll their way into one debacle after another. One way or another, whenever we are living and working with other human beings, it is personal and group emotional intelligence that makes the difference between knowledge and wisdom, between success and failure, between achievement and frustration.

Jackson Pollock at work in his studio, photographed by Hans Namuth, 1950

We work with people we cannot control. Therefore, we need to deal with the human experience, like it or not. This means going deeper, learning the art of this work and embracing leadership. And the art of leadership requires a knowledge of the palette of emotional intelligence. It is this art that connects on a deeper level, engaging both heart and head, merging motivation with intellect.

John Eliopolo recently posted a great graphic on Linkedin.  It provides a thumbnail to wrap our brains around the components of emotional intelligence:

 

It starts off as an inside job – Learning yourself and figuring out how to impact others and manage yourself. It then looks outward – figuring out where others are coming from and adjusting your approach to make connections and get stuff done.

These are not fluffy “soft skills.” It takes work to master them. Research in the behavioral sciences has revealed the chemistry behind it and its organizational impact. It can be studied, measured, and grown. It helps young managers and new board members avoid burnout and find fulfillment in their work. And we had better start talking about it in our world if we are to begin converting some of the vicious cycles common to our experience into success cycles.

This is not to downplay the importance of competence in the nuts and bolts of the business. As Joe Wise, owner of Wise Property Solutions in Johnson City, Tennessee correctly states “EQ does not patch a deficiency in technical or professional knowledge.” But it’s time we went beyond technical proficiency and a focus on designations as a measure of professionalism. We will be judged neither by the knowledge we possess nor the letters after our names. We’ll be judged by what we get done and the impact we make. So let us start talking about how to add emotional intelligence to our artist’s palette and learn how to do the hard work that makes the magic happen.

For any who might be attending CAI’s 2018 National Conference , I invite you to join Joe Wise and I as we present on this subject on Thursday, May 10. Let’s get this conversation started!