Category Archives: Communications

Communications, Emotional Intelligence, Magic Beans, Management

Magic Beans #2 – No Buts About It

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This installment of the Magic Beans series focuses on one little word choice in one-on-one communication that can make a big difference.

THINK ABOUT IT

How many times do you use the word “but”? Take a count for a week. You might be surprised.

“But” marks a transition of thought. You might use it when you think something is dreadfully wrong… “But you are missing the point!!” Perhaps more often, you may tend to strategize your way into a “but” to offer an alternative position. You might even start with a palatable point of agreement with all good intentions. You know your counterpart disagrees with your position at the moment. You are trying to find common ground in the hopes they will be able to hear what you plan to say next. Then you transition with something like: “But I think…”, “But what about…”, or the ever so artful “But I wonder if…”

So here’s another exercise for you. For the next week, listen for every time someone else uses the word “but.” Pay attention to your immediate reaction. Unless there is a high level of trust in the relationship and in the moment, you will probably notice some level of negative emotion. This is where word choice counts.

THE GREAT ERASER – DEFLECTOR SHIELDS ON!

The problem with “but” is that it has the power to be the Great Eraser. It can effectively wipe out everything that was stated before it. Think about you how felt when you heard it while in a vulnerable place. Maybe it was during one of those dreadful annual performance reviews (which, by the way, I suggest we abandon). The reviewer just said 3 or 4 nice things about you, dutifully following the “3 Cs of Counselling” (comment – correct – commend). And then….wait for it…. “But there is some room for improvement…” Your defenses go up. You might start to think you just got played. You begin to formulate your counter argument.

The bottom line for any conversation – you might not be able to truly hear anything that’s said after you hear the Great Eraser.

What if you are wrong, or the truth is somewhere in the middle? What if you could have benefitted from the point made?

So what can you do when you are on the other side of things?

CHANGE THE GAME

Last exercise – anytime you feel the urge you use the word “but,” substitute “and”. Perhaps something like:
“…and I also noticed…”
“…and it makes me wonder if…”
“…and as I thought about …”

PLAN B

There are some circumstances where “and” might feel disingenuous or out of place. In those cases, see if you need a transition at all. If that sounds too abrupt, perhaps a softer phrase such as “on the other hand” could be employed. Be aware of your audience and the circumstance, and use your best judgment. Just remember that it doesn’t matter what you say, only what was heard.

WHY?

  • Your listener’s deflector shields might just stay down long enough to hear the message
  • You avoid the (hopefully) unintended message that you devalue the listener or their opinion/position
  • It changes the way you think and communicate, opening up dialogue that might just lead you to adjust your thinking – it could lead to asking more questions that will benefit both parties
  • It helps to avoid a perception of judgment and creates space for collaboration
  • It takes away a fence and builds a bridge

If you are like me, you’ll find the “but” habit hard to break, and easy to slide back into. It will take some self-awareness and thoughtful planning. If you’d prefer to play the ego game and prove yourself right all the time, it’s OK. Go ahead and stick with “but.” If you’d rather get things done and work effectively with others, take the “buts” out of it.*

*See what I did there? Plan B. I suppose I could have started with “On the other hand,…”

Communications, community associations, Magic Beans, Management, Uncategorized

Magic Beans#1 – Frame of Reference

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Sometimes the right words at the right time are like magic beans. Seemingly intractable positions soften, conflicts are resolved, and things get done. I’ve stumbled across a few during my career. This blog is the first in a series of sharing communication approaches that have worked for me. I hope they help you.

Many years ago I was called upon to take over a developer-controlled association. Diane, the community manager, was at her wit’s end. She found the developer to be dismissive and dishonest. It became clear that a change in assignment was required to get things on track and I became the manager. One of the hot issues involved considerable damage to an overhead garage door. Repairs were completed to the tune of a few thousand dollars. But it was a sticky situation. Several unit owners knew that developer personnel hit the door with their vehicle. Elliot, the developer representative, had been trying to get Diane to file a claim under the condominium’s master policy. But Diane was a particularly principled manager. She refused to file the claim, insisting that the repairs were the developer’s responsibility. The more she protested filing the claim, the more he insisted she file it.

Sure enough, by the end of our first meeting, Elliot tells me, “Tommy, we’ve got to get that insurance claim filed. I don’t know what that woman’s problem was.” I let him know I had a lot on my plate, but would get back to him. (I’ll admit it…while the statement was 100% true, I was buying time). In the ensuing weeks, I observed Elliot closely as we worked together. It was clear he enjoyed doing business in a “guy’s club” manner. I also noticed that he was very religious. He observed all the holy days. But the application of ethical principles behind religious practice? Not so much. The reasons why he and Diane were oil and water became crystal clear. In addition to the gender issue, her frame of reference was principle-based. She saw law as a function of ethics. Elliot seemed to be legalistically-based. He saw ethics as a function of law (i.e. if you don’t get into trouble, it’s not unethical). There was no way Elliot would ever hear Diane’s message. So I took a different tack.

Elliot: “Tommy, have you filed that claim yet?”

Me: “I’ve been looking at that and wanted to talk to you when you had a moment. If we file that claim, I wanted to make sure you knew how it might play out.”

Elliot: “Whaddaya mean?”

Me: “Well, you know you are a couple of months before turning over control of the board to the unit owners.”

Elliot: “Yeah, so what?”

Me: “You know the folks who will most likely to run will be the ones that trust you the least. I mean no disrespect, but you know not everybody’s a big fan…”

Elliot (shrugs, nods): “Yeah, there are always troublemakers.”

Me: “In my experience, folks like that get on the board and one of the first things they do is rake through the financials. They are looking for anything suspicious. And if we file the claim and that happens, guess what they’ll see?”

Elliot: “What’s that, Tommy? “

Me: “An insurance deductible expense. And they’ll ask questions and figure out pretty quickly that their fees paid for damage done by your guys. So I really only have one question for you – is your lawyer on retainer or do you pay him by the hour.”

Elliot (pregnant pause…): “Hmm…so you think I might get in a little trouble, Tommy?”

Me: “You might.”

Elliot: “OK, no problem, I’ll write a check to reimburse the condo.”

Me: “Good idea. I’ll show it as a credit on the financials so everyone will know you took care of it.”

Elliot: “Thanks a lot Tommy. I really appreciate that.”

Granted, it was difficult to do business with the gentlemen. I felt like washing my hands after every handshake. If my tactic didn’t work, I had a Plan B in my pocket. I would have advised Elliot that if I filed the claim, I would have had to recommend the insurer pursue subrogation against him. If that meant we got fired, so be it. But none of that proved necessary. We found a mutual frame of reference, he did the right thing and the unit owners were well-served.

THE TAKEAWAYS

• If you don’t know the client’s frame of reference, it is much more difficult to be effective.

• Observe closely, find cues to identify the client’s frame of reference.

• When possible, communicate issues with the client’s frame of reference in mind.

 

Communications, community associations, condo associations, Cooperatives, Governance, leadership, Management

It’s Time to Change the Message (Part 2)

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Let’s say you did everything recommended in last week’s blog. You have great rules and have done a masterful job communicating them to your members. Bravo! Yet, despite best intentions and practice, someone’s gonna blow it. Reflecting back to last week’s Catholic imagery, whether it be an innocent sin of omission or a more brazen sin of commission, sooner or later a covenant will be violated or a rule broken.

Now what?

The knee jerk reaction might be to write the dreaded violation letter. Please stop and think first. In many locations, the law requires a full disclosure of all the bad things that can happen in the event of non-compliance, meaning there’s a slew of impersonal, aggressive-sounding legalese. Here comes the mean nun again….How can you achieve the goal of building community in this difficult circumstance?

Here are a few tips employed by successful volunteers and managers:

1. Walk softly before carrying a big stick: Perhaps an informal communication is best, even (perhaps especially) a verbal one. You can still make a note to file to have a business record of the conversation. A friendly email follow up to a conversation can be invaluable. When people know they are getting a little slack, many tend to appreciate it and the problem is gone. Even if they turn out to be bad players, you have a record of being very reasonable.

2. Never assume the person is even aware of the rule (even if you are sure): Starting off with “You might not realize this, but….” softens the blow. People have a lot going on in their lives. Their reality is that it doesn’t matter that they have an obligation to comply with provisions buried in the 4,536 papers they signed at settlement. It’s irrelevant until it impacts them personally.

3. EXPLAIN THE WHY:   Super important.  Try to weave it in to every communication if possible. People are thinking of themselves first (and so are you if you are not following these tips…). Helping them to see the broader wisdom of a rule, or the impact it could have on them if a neighbor were to violate the rule, could help. If nothing else, it establishes you as a reasonable player and provides context.

4. Give them the graceful exit: Assume a good result, thank them in advance for their consideration, be their partner in helping them to do the right thing. EVEN IN THE FORMAL VIOLATION LETTER WITH THE SCARY LEGALESE (which, by the way can be set off with a friendly disclaimer about hoping none of this will occur). The more you assume you’ll have to fight, the more it will seep out in your wording and the more likely it will become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

5. Consider your words carefully: Just some crazy talk here… Why not a “Due Process” Policy instead of an “Enforcement” Policy…. or maybe better… a “Community Values Administration” Policy? Or “Quality of Life Maintenance” Policy? Clearly, I’m struggling here. But anything is better than the Mean Nun “Enforcement” Policy.

6. Let someone else proofread your work: Make sure negative emotions aren’t creeping out… If you don’t have a good proofreader, set difficult correspondence and email aside long enough to pick it back up with fresh eyes.

7. Tom Tip Bonus – what to do when a member is angry about a neighbor’s actions and wants you to write a violation letter:  First, ask the member if he or she has spoken to the neighbor. Usually, the answer in “no.” I then say “I can certainly write the letter based of your written complaint. But may I ask you a question? If you were bothering your neighbor and didn’t realize it, which would you rather get; a visit from that neighbor with a plate of cookies and a smile with the message ‘you probably don’t realize it, but…’ or a nastygram from Big Brother?” If they agree, ask the member to let you know how it goes and let them know you’ll write the letter if necessary. Give it a try. It works!

We know that tone is as important, if not more important that content. Yes, you should check with association counsel to make sure your formal communications are fully compliant with legal requirements. Don’t give away the high ground, even when you are left with no choice but to brandish the big stick. The mean nun does not hold the high ground. If she did, the ruler would not be her first option.