Monthly Archives: August 2018

Communications, community associations, condo associations, Cooperatives, Customer Service, Emotional Intelligence, HOAs, Magic Beans

So You Think You Are a Good Listener and Other Delusions

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In his outstanding book The Excellence Dividend, Tom Peters states that listening is, among other things, “the heart and soul of engagement and thoughtfulness,” “the basis for collaboration and partnership and community,” “the linchpin of memorable service” and “the bedrock that underpins a commitment to EXCELLENCE.”

We know listening is important. Yet, studies show that we are not as good at it as we think we are. Fortunately, it is a learnable skill. It is an area in which we can always improve. There are lots of resources available to help us focus on the art of “active listening.” Strategies include:

  • Pay Attention: Use your eyes along with your ears. Look at someone intently enough long enough to determine eye color. What do their body language and facial expressions tell you? What are they NOT saying?
  • Acknowledge: People with problems typically want two things in this order: (1) To be heard (2) To get a solution. Until someone is confident you hear them, you have zero basis for dialogue. Give them all the cues you can to show you are engaged. Open your stance, nod, smile. Use verbal cues like my favorite, “Oh wow!” Let ‘em talk. Empathize.
  • Clarify: Ask questions. Then ask more questions. Get the whole picture. Repeat statements back and summarize. I am partial to the phrase “I think what I heard was…” This gives the other person permission to correct you if your understanding requires adjustment.
  • Ignore Your Biases: We are all biased. We all make assumptions. We all listen through the filters of our experience. You might think you are completely objective, but you’re not. Nobody is. Recognize your biases and assumptions and do your best to get past them.
  • Suspend Judgment: It’s easy to impute motives, especially if you have a history with someone. But even if you are correct, there is no value in thinking about them. Acknowledging others’ emotions does not mean judging the validity or even the appropriateness of those emotions. Do your best to focus on facts.
  • Take Notes: Careful note taking keeps you tuned in. It dignifies the other person. It’s a great tool for the open forum part of Board meetings.

Why Are We Lousy Listeners?

You might think you are a good listener. More than likely you are deluded. Even if you ARE right, you’ll still need to work on it. There are many obstacles to being a good listener. Be aware of them and work to overcome them.

  • Did I mention we are all biased and make assumptions? Imperfect humans are subjective by nature.
  • We focus on us, not the other person. Instead of fully listening, we are formulating our brilliant response, thinking about how wrong or annoying the other person is, or feeling rushed or stressed.
  • We may be “18 second interrupters”.  Peters cites research that indicates an average doctor will interrupt the patient presenting her symptoms after 18 seconds. The habit is not unique to doctors. Yikes.
  • Distractions…Oooo look – a squirrel!
  • Electronics: A disproportionate number of the problems people have asked me to fix in recent years originated with electronic communication issues. Some conversations need to be offline. Listening with only your eyes has its limitations. If a conversation starts to go sideways, pick up the phone. Or better, go face to face. If you’ve grown up communicating mostly through an electronic device, you’ll need to learn to use the full range of human abilities to be a good listener.
  • The big one… missing the bigger picture. Employing active listening strategies does not guarantee success.

It’s More Than Listening

Listening is part of something bigger. You can employ all the active listening strategies and still be ineffective. Your IQ can help you to learn the techniques, but your EQ, or emotional intelligence, will be the key to being a good listener and effective communicator.

If you are not genuinely interested in other people, in solving problems, and in making a difference, you are likely not listening well and people can smell it. It really does start with you. And people don’t always make it easy! I’ve often thought that a key to success is the ability to be respectful of others when their attitudes, words or actions are not what we would classify as respectable. Just remember, being empathetic with others doesn’t mean you have to agree with them. It does mean you have to listen hard enough to imagine what it might be like to be in their shoes. That can require a very high level of emotional intelligence.

Final Words

“The best way to persuade someone is with your ears, by listening to them.” – Dean Rusk

More gems from The Excellence Dividend – some of the “Good Listener Rules.”  (Buy the book. Seriously.):
• A good listener does not EVER take a call, even from her or his boss.
• A good listener takes EXTENSIVE notes.
• A good listener CALLS (better than e-mails d%#n it) a couple of hours later to thank the other for his or her time.
• A good listener the next day with a couple of follow-up queries.
• A good listener does NOT pontificate!

“Never miss a good chance to shut up.” – Will Rogers

change management, Communications, condo associations, Cooperatives, HOAs, leadership, Management

We Are All Geniuses…or Insane. Your Call!

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I’ve heard this quote, widely attributed to Albert Einstein, for a long time. As it turns out, he may or may not have ever said it. Thing is, it resonates so well that it’s easy to attach genius to the observation. So why not Einstein?

We silly humans tend to choose familiarity over change, even if it makes us miserable. I’ve noticed it in my world of community association boards and managers. Instead of taking an honest look at our results and trying to figure out how we got there, we’ll practice what Canadian brand transformation specialist Alan Quarry calls “glue diligence.” We do it because we’ve always done it that way, and dang it, we’ll never change!

…And then we blame everybody and everything else for our frustrations and failures…

One of the most important changes we can make is to see ourselves differently. For the longest time, the thought of being a salesperson made me cringe, just a little bit. But a few years ago, I realized sales and marketing were weak areas in my business skillset. It was time to hit the books. Funny thing is, a few of the writers I learned from in my study of leadership through the years started off as sales guys.

THE ART OF LEADERSHIP AND SALES

I didn’t fully connect the dots until I read Daniel Pink’s brilliant book To Sell is Human. It finally hit me. I gave myself permission to see myself and my role a little differently. The art of leadership is the process of helping people move from one place to another. Outstanding leaders share a vision so compellingly, people buy in because they see the benefit. Yes…BUY IN. Therefore, leaders sell and it’s a good thing.

Sales done right has never been ugly. Great salespeople believe they have something of value to sell, provide service and value first, and create a space where people can see themselves taking advantage of the value proposition. They are not selfishly manipulative. They are connecting dots. In essence, they don’t sell anything but an idea, creating a space for others to buy. They understand the wisdom of Jeffery Gitomer’s words, “Nobody likes to be sold, but everybody likes to buy.”

THE SUPERPOWER

The process of sales is the process of leadership. If we are to lead, we must sell. And to be truly effective, we need the superpower all great leaders and salespeople have – the ability to be an agent of change. This is leadership at its highest level – the ability to lead change, sensing when and how to initiate, support or facilitate it so that the stakeholders in an organization make it their own.

And yet, how many board members and community managers see themselves as leaders, salespeople and change agents?

WHAT WE HAVE HERE IS….A FAILURE TO COMMUNICATE

So many times it comes down to communications skills. We all have a tendency to communicate from our standpoint. Managers are trained to be technically proficient. Board members may be trained in governance. Unfortunately, as a result both are frequently ineffective. They are “doing their jobs” while missing the point. It has led to community association members disconnecting from their communities. Quoting from memory a comment from the Wall Street Journal, “People tend to have the same emotional connection to their HOAs as they do the Internal Revenue Service.” Ouch. It doesn’t have to be that way.

Think about how the message is received and you might realize you are coming off like Moses descending the mountain with stone tablets from God. Our message may be important, but it’s not THAT important. Worse, we may be accidently sending the message that people exist for the governing documents, when the truth is that those documents exist for the people. Or you may be coming off like a mean nun with a ruler, ready to whack all those disobedient children.

It doesn’t matter what you say. It only matters what is heard. And while you can never control what’s heard, you really need to think about the message and work your brains out to communicate from the receiver’s perspective, not your own. That’s what great leaders, salespeople, and change agents do. Make it real. Show the value. Explain the Why. And be patient. Because until you do these things, you’re just part of the increasing noise in your members’ lives.

INSANITY OR GENIUS?

If you are not connecting with your community or your client, if you are frustrated, it may be time to stop the insanity. Make a change. Start with how you see your role. Be leaders. Be sales people. Be change agents. Communicate like the best leaders and salespeople with the change agent superpowers.

Change the message and the delivery so it actually reaches your audience. It’s about them, not you. Make it real. Show value. Be a genius!

Thanks to Ed Loonam, PCAM, of Property Management Associates in Virginia Beach, Virginia, who gave me the inspiration to turn my SEVA-CAI CA Day sparks talk into a blog post!

business life, Startups

The Crucible of Overwhelm

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It happens.  Sometimes self-inflicted, sometimes thrust upon us, and very frequently a combination of the two.  There will be periods of time when there’s just way too much to do.  Your mental RAM maxes out and your brain freezes up right when you need to move quickly from one thing to another.

Over the past couple of months, the circle of death of my mental laptop has been a frequent visitor.  All the work required to prepare to launch into self-employment again is bringing back memories. Neural pathways I thought were long gone have reappeared, for better and for worse.  I’ve been busier over the last thirty days than I’ve been in a very long time.  It will no doubt remain that way through August.  It’s a good problem to have in one way – I get to eat!  At the same time, these are the experiences that test one’s mettle.  The pressures that come from having way more on your plate than you can reasonably handle creates a crucible.  I started thinking about what I’ve learned through the years and watch myself act and react to the challenges of the day.  The process is often painful, but also beneficial. I’m remembering what I already knew and learning new stuff.  Here are a few things that keep flashing through my mind.  If you feel overwhelmed from time to time, I hope they help you in some way.

1.       Better a purpose than a plan.  When the pressure is on, sticking rigidly to the plan can be disastrous.  Things never work out perfectly, especially when there are time crunches and other uncontrollable variables impacting you.  Everything seems to take longer than you expect.  The stuff and people you thought you could count on might not come through.  Overwhelm teaches you to prioritize and reprioritize.  As conditions change, plans change.   Be clear on your purpose, your goal and the general direction to get there.  Be flexible or you’ll drive yourself batty.

2.       There’s gotta be light at the end of the tunnel.  If you know overwhelm is temporary, it’s doable.  If there’s no end in sight, you’re doomed.  Some people live in constant overwhelm.  They won’t live long.  The perpetual cortisol’s gonna kill them. If you can honestly say you’ve done everything in your power to manage the situation, and still can’t see the light (or worse yet, realize it’s a train), then perhaps it’s time to change direction.

3.       You’re gonna suck sometimes.  It’s OK.  Overwhelm may bring out the best in you, but it can definitely bring out the worst.  Little mistakes pop up.  Unclear communication mucks up the works, whether you’re speaking or listening.  Distracted actions, forgetfulness, you name it.  Stress + velocity (+ sleep deprivation) = errors.  Do your best to mitigate them, but don’t beat yourself up too much.  Look for support, ask for support and appreciate support.  Get a good proofreader. Or else you’ll find that this is where long-lost bad habits come back with a vengeance.  I grew up with a hot temper.  I’ve worked for decades to manage it and have gotten fairly good at it.  Well…it’s back.  The crucible is calling me out.  Neural pathways are burned in our brains by chance or by choice and they don’t go away.  The triggers are still there.  So, be aware of those triggers and do your best to choose to be your best self.  You won’t be perfect but don’t give up. 

4.       You’re gonna do amazing things.  Crucibles have huge upsides.  Stripped of the luxury of time to doubt yourself, you’ll do things before you think you are ready and they’ll work out just fine.  There’s a lesson there.  Pushed to what you thought was your limit, you’ll do more.  Or better. Or both.  You might be too busy to see it now. But you’ll look back and realize how remarkable you were.

5.       Remember your Why.  There was a reason you decided this thing was worth it.  Keep that vision close in mind.  Remember how this ties into your personal governing values.

6.       Moments matter.  This is when it’s really hard to stay in the moment.  You’ll be tempted to be in the future a little too much. Annnnd go back to #3.   You’ll find yourself thinking and saying, “I don’t have time.”  Just remember this is primarily an emotional response, not an analytical one.  You probably don’t have time to spend on superfluous things.  But you certainly have time to invest a few moments to lock eyes with the person you are talking to and really listen to the whole sentence.  To look up and appreciate a beautiful blue sky, to laugh, to smile, to connect.  And perhaps most importantly, stop, drop and roll.  Pausing will feel counterintuitive.  Yet, doing so for a minute or two to take a breath, to analyze, to recalibrate, and to refresh will be a time investment in the long run. 

7.       Be grateful (and be ready to apologize).  Say thanks.  A lot.  And realize you’re going to miss a cue or a nuance.  You’ll say the wrong thing or do the wrong thing.  Be quick to apologize.

8.       Feed your soul.  Hopefully you have a routine that allows you the time and space to invest in yourself.  In overwhelm, those routines tend to fall by the wayside.  It’s best if you can stick with them, but if you fall off the wagon, beware of all-or-nothing thinking.  If you can’t seem to do everything to feed yourself, do something.   I’ve found audio learning in the car has been a great benefit.  I also thought about little things that fill me up and will look for opportunities to enjoy them – the sound of my daughter’s laugh, watching the grandkids play, quiet sunsets, just a page or two from an upbuilding book or blog or article, a little prayer, a smile from a friend.  They all light me up.  They all remind me of the best things in life.

What feeds your soul?  If you can’t eat a full meal right now, at least grab a nice, healthy, little snack.

Hang in there.  It sounds trite but it really is all good.  The crucible helps you see yourself more clearly.  You’ll learn and you’ll grow.  It won’t go exactly as you planned, but you’ll be in a different place when it’s all said and done.  And regardless of the exact result, what you learn along the way will make it worth it.  Even if you fall flat on your face, as long as the process leads you to see, appreciate and live your values more completely and your life more fully, you win.