This installment of the Magic Beans series focuses on one little word choice in one-on-one communication that can make a big difference.

THINK ABOUT IT

How many times do you use the word “but”? Take a count for a week. You might be surprised.

“But” marks a transition of thought. You might use it when you think something is dreadfully wrong… “But you are missing the point!!” Perhaps more often, you may tend to strategize your way into a “but” to offer an alternative position. You might even start with a palatable point of agreement with all good intentions. You know your counterpart disagrees with your position at the moment. You are trying to find common ground in the hopes they will be able to hear what you plan to say next. Then you transition with something like: “But I think…”, “But what about…”, or the ever so artful “But I wonder if…”

So here’s another exercise for you. For the next week, listen for every time someone else uses the word “but.” Pay attention to your immediate reaction. Unless there is a high level of trust in the relationship and in the moment, you will probably notice some level of negative emotion. This is where word choice counts.

THE GREAT ERASER – DEFLECTOR SHIELDS ON!

The problem with “but” is that it has the power to be the Great Eraser. It can effectively wipe out everything that was stated before it. Think about you how felt when you heard it while in a vulnerable place. Maybe it was during one of those dreadful annual performance reviews (which, by the way, I suggest we abandon). The reviewer just said 3 or 4 nice things about you, dutifully following the “3 Cs of Counselling” (comment – correct – commend). And then….wait for it…. “But there is some room for improvement…” Your defenses go up. You might start to think you just got played. You begin to formulate your counter argument.

The bottom line for any conversation – you might not be able to truly hear anything that’s said after you hear the Great Eraser.

What if you are wrong, or the truth is somewhere in the middle? What if you could have benefitted from the point made?

So what can you do when you are on the other side of things?

CHANGE THE GAME

Last exercise – anytime you feel the urge you use the word “but,” substitute “and”. Perhaps something like:
“…and I also noticed…”
“…and it makes me wonder if…”
“…and as I thought about …”

PLAN B

There are some circumstances where “and” might feel disingenuous or out of place. In those cases, see if you need a transition at all. If that sounds too abrupt, perhaps a softer phrase such as “on the other hand” could be employed. Be aware of your audience and the circumstance, and use your best judgment. Just remember that it doesn’t matter what you say, only what was heard.

WHY?

• Your listener’s deflector shields might just stay down long enough to hear the message
• You avoid the (hopefully) unintended message that you devalue the listener or their opinion/position
• It changes the way you think and communicate, opening up dialogue that might just lead you to adjust your thinking – it could lead to asking more questions that will benefit both parties
• It helps to avoid a perception of judgment and creates space for collaboration
• It takes away a fence and builds a bridge

If you are like me, you’ll find the “but” habit hard to break, and easy to slide back into. It will take some self-awareness and thoughtful planning. If you’d prefer to play the ego game and prove yourself right all the time, it’s OK. Go ahead and stick with “but.” If you’d rather get things done and work effectively with others, take the “buts” out of it.*

*See what I did there? Plan B. I suppose I could have started with “On the other hand,…”