Whether you are an employee of a management company, an onsite manager of a community association, or a professional service provider, odds are at some time in your career you will be involved in a business relationship that for one reason or another reaches the end of its useful life. You shake hands, wish each other well, and move on. But in reality, doing business is a human endeavor and damage can be done if you don’t recognize and address the mental and emotional toll that can sometimes linger from a business “break-up.” You can be technically proficient in handling transitions without always giving full consideration of the human factors that might be involved.
Over the years it has pained me to watch managers, in particular, come away scarred from difficult client or employment relationships. Those who throw themselves into their work are hit hardest. Despite what they may view as Herculean efforts in less-than-favorable circumstances, they come away feeling unappreciated and often abused. Professional detachment to the point of uncaring, over-defensiveness, diminished standards of performance or conduct, and profound cynicism are only a few of the telltale signs of unhealthy scarring.
I’ve been so fortunate to have had the opportunity to reflect on these things with people of uncommon wisdom. They have shared with me pearls that have proven valuable in professional and personal life. I care about all you dedicated professionals working in the community association field. I want you to be healthy and happy. So then, since sharing is caring…
Lesson #1: Learn
“When the Devil says fire is hot, he knows what he is talking about.” Credit for this one goes to my primary professional mentor, Arthur Dubin. He shared this with me some years ago while we were working with a particularly unreasonable board president. Though I have to state for the record that the statement assumes certain theological concepts that I personally believe to be rather spurious, the words create a picture that makes an important point: While being deluged by unfair and possibly irrational attacks, it is very easy to miss a salient and accurate critique. You may feel compelled to defend yourself as if you were perfect or minimize shortcomings in the face of intense scrutiny. It might seem like your client or employer expected you to be perfect. Well, you weren’t. And that’s OK, but even minor issues, if not identified and corrected quickly, can become major issues. As painful as it might be to admit mistakes, it’s way more painful to repeat them. If a criticism is true, it is true regardless of the identifying source. The challenge is hearing it. So, be brutally honest…could you have done anything better?
Lesson #2: Eyes Forward
It turns out being a lousy driver was one of the best things that ever happened to me…. “Glance in rear-view mirror anytime you apply the brakes.” I got that one in a driver improvement class many moons ago. The lesson literally saved the instructor’s life one day on the beltway. He glanced in the mirror as traffic slowed and noticed that the truck driver behind him wasn’t paying attention. He took corrective action, changed lanes, and avoided the deadly rear end collision that befell the driver that had just moments before been in front of him. When things stop in front of you, like the end of a business relationship, it pays to look behind just long enough to learn the lessons necessary to avoid getting rear ended (Lesson #1)— and then it‘s got to be eyes forward. You are smarter now. Focus on what’s in front of you. Take action to get where you need to go. It doesn’t pay to beat yourself up over the past. If you keep staring into the rear view mirror, you’ll wreck. Once Lesson #1 is done, move on.
Lesson #3: It’s Your House
This one is courtesy of the late “Uncle Mike” Gilmore. He had a well-earned reputation as one who had seen it all in this business. He was a great sounding board. One afternoon he let me whine on for several minutes about a situation. And then…
“Tommy, what’s the most valuable real estate you own?”
“I guess it’s my house.”
“Wrong. It’s here (points to his head). Let’s say you owned a house and decided to rent it out. Would you let just anybody move in?”
“Of course not. I’d qualify them to make sure they’d pay the rent and wouldn’t trash the place.”
“Right. So if you’d go through all that for a house, why would you do the same with the most valuable real estate you own? Never let negative people rent space in your mind.”
Whoa. Of course he was right. Even if you successfully apply lessons one and two and have done everything you should do, sometimes those negative comments might play back in your memory. A new comment might trigger an old memory. There is no benefit to dwelling on them. You can’t control others, you can only control yourself. Why give up any of that control by allowing others’ negativity to reside in your head? Lock the door.
“Never let negative people rent space in your mind” – Mike Gilmore
It’s not easy to maintain a dedication to excellence in a balanced, healthy way. But you have to. It is the best way to be good to our clients and good to ourselves at the same time. Imagine that—a win-win.
If things don’t work out sometimes, it’s OK to hurt. Just not too long. It sounds trite, but it’s true – every experience can make you better and stronger. Please don’t burn out. And please don’t sell out. We need you.